The Psychology of Winning

Last week I attended a profound workshop run by the Woman Of Stature group on "The psychology of winning".

It made me reflect deeply.

I always feared competition growing up. My parents and my sporty siblings all got provincial or national/Springbok colors in a variety of sports. My mother was passionate about many team sports. She would have made the Springbok team as a hockey player had the war not broken out.

Heavy and awkward with bad skin, I abhorred team sports.

In one of my many attempts to be more sporty I tried hockey. One day I unwittingly and savagely hit another girl in the shin with my hockey sticks. I was appalled that my clumsy enthusiasm had been so hurtful. I packed away my borrowed hockey stick.

That was just the start of many other attempts to fit in with my sporty family.

When I played second team tennis, I lumbered around the court.

My mother actually confronted the coach and said, "Why is my daughter only in the second team?"

My sister was a provincial Western Province tennis player whose effortless elegance even featured her in an Appletizer advert.

The coach looked witheringly at my mother while I stood hanging back. I could overhear the coach's response - "Because she's slow, heavy and lazy."

It hardly needed to be articulated. It was painfully self-evident.

I remember cringing against the bench behind me and wondering whether I would ever amount to anything.

After that, I consciously chose sports that did not involve competition.

Even now as an athletic older woman I choose to run alone, gym alone, paddleboard alone. Even when I did regular 21k races I would run alone to the rhythm of my own energy. Being silent, being alone was my safe space.

Later on in life I won awards as an entrepreneur but I always attributed that to the teams that made it possible, who gave it their all.

The first time I ever won any recognition in my personal capacity was when I won a trophy for dog training at the age of 50.

It was hugely symbolic to me because of the bond I had with my German shepherd, Tiger. We did dog shows for charity. It did not feel competitive. It felt bonding.

It seemed that it was something I was finally good at.

But competition still terrified me. Competition amongst women was even more terrifying, because I had always felt so "less than" my whole life.

So, when I was nominated as a Woman of Stature nominee last year it was with some trepidation that I started this journey.

But by then, I'd become more comfortable with becoming more visible.

Last week, when Shereen Hunter spoke so deeply and so honestly about the psychology of winning, it really resonated with me. It wasn't just what she said, it was the raw honesty and the heart-felt vulnerability with which she told her story.

As a previous Woman of Stature nominee, she did not win an award the night of that Gala event that year.

She was honest about it. She had to navigate some disappointment, but her true win came in a very different and profound way.

Not long after the Woman of Stature event, she tragically lost her husband, and her world crashed overnight. Literally.

It was the Woman of Stature community that picked her up, that gave her wings. Now she is deeply involved in the leadership of Woman Of Stature.

Not only that, she has created a formidable and powerful brand as Brand Architects South Africa. She is a living example of a Woman of Stature whose power has never been defined by a trophy, but by her willingness to serve beyond the crown, to serve beyond any trophy, and to embody what winning truly means.

And so, to take you back to my story, the year before I won the floating trophy for Manwork Dog of the Year, I had really wanted to win, but I didn't. Somebody else, more worthy, won that year. It was their time. It wasn't my time. I remember feeling gutted that entire weekend.

The next year, I did win the floating trophy. That trophy was a celebration, not just of the bond I had with my dog, but it was a celebration of the humility of not winning, and understanding God's timing in my life.

When I entered Speaker Factor, I did not enter to win whatsoever. I only entered to grow. And grow I did.

Sometimes only God knows His impeccable timing. And how much humility grows and shapes us.

When I was 60, I attended a 10-day silent meditation retreat. It was there, after 10 days of deep meditation, complete silence, no writing, no phones, no reading, no exercise, just being with yourself, that I finally got to understand the true meaning of equanimity.

Equanimity means not being attached to an outcome, but trusting in the faith of God's impeccable timing.

Shereen's message focused on the fact that there is no such thing as losing, only growing.

Some of the elements she so eloquently highlighted were:

• Ego versus soul. The ego wants to win, the soul wants to grow.

• The real prize is beyond the stage.

• Awards celebrate our success. They don't create it.

• The moment doesn't define your worth.

• The real prize is not winning any trophy. It is the learning that you are more than a title.

Thank you, Shereen, for deepening the debate in such a soulful way, so that we may ALL embrace winning as growth, not for ourselves, but for those we inspire, for those who feel worthless, for those little girls who never felt they were enough, for those women who never had a mentor, as Gadifele Moeng - a fellow nominee in The Woman of Stature 2025 – so beautifully wrote.

Thank you, Shereen, for the gift you gave us all this week. The gift of truth.

There is no such thing as winning, and there is no such thing as losing. There is only growing. That is the true meaning of the remarkable book by Robin Sharma, "The Leader Without a Title".

To quote a dear friend of mine Eva Maria Moon, this is a journey of the soul:

“A soul is here to express and live a full life, whatever your imprint may be. It doesn't shout like the ego, it whispers. Its voice is soft, and its directions have to be found and felt in the present moment, like the one who seeks the thermic movements in the sky.

It doesn't want what the ego wants. It is about connection with all, oneness, unconditional love, purpose, aliveness, compassion for all life, and fulfilment. It doesn't follow the rules of the dense, common life full of materialistic goals, temporary pleasure, and diversion. It doesn't judge it either. It just reminds us there is so much more to see and live in the high altitudes for those who seek.”

That is why our company is called “Soul Voice Journeys”.

Equanimity defies comparison. It lives in the faith of our constant becoming.

That is where true peace resides.